The Officiant

Life continues for my fiance and me with a fair share of harmony, where any rough spots the the pre-nuptual relationship kind of fade into the woodwork after a good night's sleep. The marital mystery at this point is, who will be the wedding officiant? The church where we will be married is choosing a new minister through a very fair and thorough hiring process, the outcome of which I am following closely. Whoever they hire will be the minister who will marry us in December. I have re-joined the church, cast my vote, and have my fingers crossed my favorite candidate will be hired as the new minister. Meeting with the minister is the last major loose end in all the wedding planning process. I have chosen a couple of readings that might work for the ceremony, and tore some sample vows out of a wedding magazine. I am ready for us to meet with the minister and plan a ceremony. Mostly I am ready to go on the honeymoon, which is a fancy word for the vacation you need after all the hoopla of planning a wedding and carrying it out. Dealing with family, learning to live together, it's all sort of hard sometimes, but has lots of rewards also. Like watching the sun rise over the ocean from the home we share. Like being able to wake up every morning and know there's someone to help if the car won't start. Little things and big things that are great about having a partner in life, for life. So we continue on day to day hoping for the best, accepting what happens and enjoying the process. Still, can't wait for that honeymoon, more on that next time.

Safe Travels

Summer is here and in full swing.  With the season comes all manner of visits from relatives, both from my side of the family, and from my fiance's side.  So far all exposure to in-laws has been pleasant, peaceful and uneventful.  And my fiance seems to fit in well enough with my family, which is great.

As I plan trips for the upcoming months (visits to my father in LA, a family trip to New York in October, and of course the honeymoon) I am reminded how life is really the ultimate, ongoing journey.  Life is a trip whose direction we somewhat choose and control, but there is always the unforseen aspect of adventure and learning that goes along with it.

Bridesmaid dresses are being ordered tomorrow, and I can only hope there will be time for alterations before the big day, considering my maids are spread across the country.  As I negotiate the waters of pre-wedding plans I realize flexibility, leadership and a good sense of humor all come in handy.  Letting go of the small stuff while paying attention to detail is a true challenge.

The most important thing is enjoying the journey, taking care of myself and ensuring happiness for myself and others.  In summer, the season of sun, sea and travel, that always seems a little easier.

Desperately Seeking Self

Carving out my new identity as a bride to be is sometimes fun, sometimes challenging.  I am no longer that singleton who worked a job, spent lots of time alone, living alone, and dating someone.  I am now fully moved in with my fiance, though I spend 2-3 nights a week at my former condo residence.  My fiance has taken me into his life along with my 2 cats, and I have taken him into mine. I have forsaken all others and have him as a beneficial result.

Adjustments are made, and then more are made again later.  Sometimes the same adjustments over again.  He's messy, I'm tidy.  He's vegetarian, I eat some meat.  He rides a bike everywhere, I drive a car. I watch shopping TV, he watches sports. He's fiercely environmental, I occasionally use paper plates to avoid doing dishes.

Yet within these differences is a core of loving each other and both being compassionate caring people who also love animals and nature.  We are both intropective and have integrity, we like helping others.

This last week has been one of looking inside myself and seeing what's there, seeing what I like and what I want to change to make myself a better person, better friend, better partner to my fiance.  It has been sometimes easy sometimes hard.  I so appreciate the things in my life that have remained the same over the last tumultuous six months: my volunteer work at the cat shelter, the salon I go to for beauty help and relationship advice, and so grateful for the steady presence of my fiance in my life, so supportive, kind, loving and lovable.

This past week I found my wedding clutch and wedding earrings.  Moving forward and finalizing my wedding day look is such an adventure, the hunt and the finds have been fabulous.  The clutch is from Spain, the earrings from Saks.  Both will compliment my dress nicely and make the big day more special.  I continue to devour wedding magazines for prompts, ideas and inspiration.  The excitement builds and wanes, like the moving tides.

And I know now and will know well on the wedding day, what I'm getting into.  A joined life, a partnership, an enduring love, and a growing sense of self and happiness.

I Say Yes the the Dress

My cell phone rang in the pocket of of scrubs at the cat shelter. It was the Bridal Shop where I bought my wedding dress.  Could be only one thing.  My dress is in.

Wow, time to start getting into this wedding thing for real.  Up to this point it's been on paper, vendor phone calls and meetings, lsitening to music samples via email...a lot of virtual wedding activity.  This is for real.  My dress, my wedding, is for real.

I gathered up my two bridesmaids that live in town and went in to try on the dress. With my little white bag holding my shoes and jewelry, I was so incredibly nervous and excited.  What would it be like? Would the dress fit? Would I like it?

The dress was brought into the fitting room in all it's white spledor and glory.  They slipped it on over my head, zipped it up and it fit, very snug, but it fit.  I walked out and strolled around the salon, posed for photos that were sent to family immediately, and basked in it all.  I thought I looked ok.  My maids thought I looked more than ok, which helped.  I tried to relax and breathe.  Yup, it's for real now, I'm going to be a bride, I'm going to be married.

It's 5 1/2 months to the wedding, and my focus was swept right away from my own dress to the next decision, what will the maids wear?  Being a nice bride-to-be, I'm having 3 bridesmaids, although it is a small wedding, since I want to include everyone and hurt no feelings.  I also, in a fit of generosity, offered to pay for all the maids' dresses.  So much for staying on budget this month...

So I somewhat fearlessly looked at the suggested website and picked out, with the girls' help, bridesmaid dresses.  Getting their input and participation in their fittings has been a little like herding cats.  But very fun and here we go, onward and upward into the time until the wedding.

My former self would be scared, nervous of a) gaining weight and not fitting into the dress at the final fitting in October; b) nervous my fiance will not show up at the wedding, or worse, show up in a his tux and Converse High Top shoes.

But no, this is the new me, or new me in the making, who is boldly going where I've never gone before (yeah right, at least going there, if not too boldly).  And with a little help from my bridemaids and all the people making the wedding a reality, including even my fiance, I will be just fine.

Settling In

This week marks the first full seven days in a row I have spent living with my fiance, without interruption.  I was taking care of a neighbors dog for a week and found it more convenient to stay on the Mesa than go to the condo for overnight escape. Milestone.

Lots going on: adjusting to the loss of our beloved dog Sasha at 17, cleaning up her bed, dish and saying goobye to her locks of hair on the carpet. It is with a bittersweet feeling we saw the two cats I brought into the household venture upstairs in the house, sensing the lack of the dog Sasha, and more space for them to explore more freely.

I felt the knots in my stomach come and go, and attributed it to a busy schedule and missing Sasha.  Then there was Felix busting out of his catio and going AWOL...found at the back door calmly meowing for his breakfast.  We have decided Felix is an indoor ourdoor cat, which makes me nervous but is apparently inevitable.

Then Felix proved his prowess as a mightly hunter by devouring 1/2 a rat or gopher, the pitious remains of which were found yesterday.

There is nothing more certain than change, they say, and I have learned to embrace changes with gentleness, humor, love and respect, for both myself and my fiance, as we settle into life together.  Realizing what a good life we have and how much we appreciate each other is a new discovery every day.

The plans for the wedding have alll been made, logistics to come up and be finalized as the December day approaches. So day by day I enjoy this time, where things are new, discoveries made every day as we blend out lives together.

Sasha the Dog

My fiance has had one other love besides me, as long as I've known him, his elderly dog Sasha.  At 17 Sasha's age equaled over 100 human years.  She made her transition to doggie heaven yesterday, bless her heart and soul.  We are sad today, but know that everything is as it should be.

Sasha was more cute and precious every day for the 1 1/2 years that I knew her.  She accompanied my fiance and me on our first date, a dog walk at Shoreline Park.  One thing that drew my fiance to me, he says, is how  kind I was to Sasha.

She was an arthritic Golden Retriever with curly hair, easy to be kind to.  Our joke is that my fiance is taken with curly haired red-heads, as I have curly red hair also...we have save some locks of Sasha's curly hair, trimmed from her before she was put to sleep at our home by a compassionate vet yesterday.

Today dawns bright and clear and we have a space in our house where Sasha used to roam.  Our hearts are full of memories of our beautiful old girl however, and I cannot help but notice how the cats are already wandering upstairs, looking for Sasha, smelling her collar which remains behind her as a momento.  The cats now have free run of the entire house, though our good old Sasha was no threat to them ever, being very kind and also blind, she was always more interested in their cat food than anything else.

We'll miss you Sasha and you will run free and live in our hearts forever.

Love and Cats

Moving my two cats (as well as myself) in to live with my fiance has been at times stressful, but overall pretty fun and rewarding. Then there was yesterday....

My cellphone rang.  It was my fiance, sounding calm like he sounds when something is going on but he's being his calm self about it anyway.  "Princess escaped outside."  OMG I thought to myself, my indoor kitty has busted out, and it was my fault.

I had scheduled housecleaners to come in and clean the downstairs cat domain (two bedrooms and one bath) for that day.  I had planned it so I would be gone when they cleaned, so I wouldn't have to deal with the noise and craziness.  But what about the cats? I had left the cats to deal with the noise and craziness, and one of them had escaped outside the safety of the nuptual abode into foreign, unknown territory. I was distraught, but tried to imitate my fiance's calm approach. "I'm in Goleta," I said, "I'll be there in 15 minutes."

15 minutes later I was at the house, and found my fiance in the jacuzzi.  He had seen one of the cats, Princess, running free in the backyard, which was not ok as they are indoor cats and have never been out into the wilds of the Mesa neighborhood.  I called for Princess, I looked under the deck where he said she was last seen.  No sign of her.

I went inside to talk to the cleaners, they were clueless that anything was wrong.  It was then that I discovered that Princess was safely hiding under the bed, a look of calm boredom on her face.  It was the other cat Felix that was AWOL--they are both black and my fiance did not get a good look.

I went outside calling the name of the correct missing cat at this point, and was soon rewarded by hearing Felix' pitious cry.  I climbed around the deck and found him near the backyard fence, looking scared and desperate.  The cat, that is.  Though I was probably looking scared and desperate also, because that's how I felt too.

"Come here Felix," I said in my most beguiling tone.  Felix' eyes darted about.  He was about 10 feet from me.  He looked at the fence.  Was he eyeing the hole in the fence, I wondered?  Would he bolt, go through the hole, lose himself and never be seen again?

Fate intervened along with a divine force: he walked toward me and into my arms.  I scooped him up gently.  I had not been so relieved since I finally found a pair of wedding shoes that fit. I walked back toward the house, glad for all the cat handling training I had from working as a vollunteer at the local cat shelter.  I scruffed him gently as he wiggled around and told him what a good boy he was.

My fiance was visibly relieved to see us together.  Later, with Felix safe inside, I thanked my fiance for his quick thinking in calling me, and thanked God Felix had come to me, and not run away.  I felt terrible that Felix had been so terrified, but glad that love had held us all together and we solved the problem as a family.  And don't worry, next time the cleaners come with their vacuum and loud noise, I will be there at the house to comfort anyone who is scared, including myself.

The Condo

The condo is where I lived before I moved in with my fiance at his place.  His place is now knows as "our house".  I refer to the condo privately as "the womb", that warm, fuzzy, comfortable place I can go to and feel like everything is ok.  It is the known, whereas being with my fiance at our house feels at times like the sort of scary unknown.

Moving in with my fiance happened sort of like this:  He asked me to marry him, I'm pretty sure I said yes (see first blog entry), and then he asked me if I wanted to move in with him.  This was after much emotion, rejoicing and happy tears.  I said yes, thinking of course I'm going to move in with my future husband.  I have a very traditional, conservative view of marriage and see it as a blissful union between two people who are living together.

I did not anticipate what it would be like to actually move.  I have lived in the same place for over twenty years.  Saying "over twenty years" is a nice way of saying I've lived at the condo for longer than many many people have been alive.  It also sounds nicer than saying 25 years which is actually how long I've been living, uninterrupted, at the condo.  Alone with my cat.  By myself with my feline. No men, no roommates.

Also I have never lived with a man before, at the condo or anywhere else, except when I was living with my brothers as a child and they teased me, threw me in the pool and made life difficult in general.  If it were not for the solid relationship I have with my father (also known as "my hero"), I would probably have no chance at marriage at all.

Ergo the need to move slowly, at a snail's pace, into the vast unknown of life with a significant other, a man, on his turf.  I found it helpful, after an emotional start, to spend a few nights a week back at the condo.  In fact I set up a schedule: Mon. Wed. & Fri. nights in the womb--I mean at the condo, and the rest of the time based at what soon became, and is becoming more and more every day, our place.

It's been about 2 months of pre-nuptual cohabitation...and things are going so very well.  Not that I haven't had difficult moments adjusting to my new role of fiance, bride-to-be etc.  Every day I check in with myself and make sure I am doing ok with everything.  If I'm not, I figure out, either on my own or with my fiance's help, how to make it better. And there seem to be a lot of people out there who have gone this way, this getting married way, who are really more than willing to give tips on how to make things easier and more rewarding.  It is to those helpful people of the recent past and future that I dedicate this entry, and say thank you. 

See you next time!

Keeping Secrets

Being engaged and moving into the finace's place is like looking at oneself under a huge microscope or at least a blurry magnifying glass.  I am newly aware of many behaviors that went previously unnoticed and taken for granted when I lived by myself-they seemed so normal. Some of these behaviors, I notice, are what I feel a need to hide from my fiance:

Shopping:  Yes I am among the large female population that like to shop.  My fiance however, is very environmental and shops only in thrift stores, reuses, reduces and recycles everything.  I admire him for this, to the point where I feel a little guilty about buying new things.  Thus, I am at times tip toeing around the house in the morning, bringing in new purchases when he's asleep.  I will have to take a look at this. The funny thing is that when he sees what I've bought, which inevitably happens eventually, he never judges me or says anything.  He likes the things I buy.  This makes my sneaky behavior seem a little silly. And makes me love him even more-he's such a great guy.

Eating: Yes I am among the large human population that likes to eat.  Probably because I so enjoy staying alive.  But to move into my fiance's house, with all the cheese, peanut butter and heretofore "forbidden" foods (meaning foods I never kept in the house when I lived alone because I would eat them all at once), is weird.  To eat around someone you want to appear attractive to takes getting used to.  I have learned to be nice to myself with my diet, be honest with myself about foods I eat, and that my fiance really doesn't particularly notice or care what I eat.  And that it's not necessary to raid the refrigerator at nighttime. It's ok to be real.

Working Out:  I can be very lazy.  My fiance is the opposite of lazy.  He works out every day, stretches, ices injuries, rides his bike instead of driving, walks the dog, etc.  At first I tried to keep up with him, as it is virtually impossible to hide being lazy.  That resulted in my feeling universally tired and grumpy, sore and unable to walk properly.  I've learned to, instead of imitate, emulate his self-caring attitude, and downscaled his discipline to a moderate version that works for me.  As a result, I'm exercising more, feeling better, and have lost some weight.  Thank God, because my wedding dress will arrive in late May...that's about 4 weeks away, and I want to look fabulous.

Speaking of which, time for a walk on the beach. Bye for now:)

New Beginnings

"Will you marry me?" he said.  I don't remember saying yes.  Is that a good or bad thing?  I must have said yes.  Since that day, we have set a wedding date, chosen a venue, and hired all the appropriate personel. 
It has been a lot of ups and downs.  I have had more downs than ups recently which is why I'm starting to write this blog.  I need a creative outlet beyond the two journals I have going (one at my place, one at his...i mean our place).  Ergo, an anonymous blog...I like that idea. I think.